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 Pialga's Fanfiction

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Pialga93

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PostSubject: Pialga's Fanfiction   Mon Jun 14, 2010 12:57 pm

Orre, Gateon port, I was thinking its been five years since this region has seen any trouble.
"Heh, I'm gonna take over Orre, and I've got big plans for this place!"
and so it started, my plan to conquer the Orre region.
Chap. 1
I wasn't new to battling, I had won several tournaments in Orre before this and it came in handy, I had tons of prize money to fund my operation. First Step, I need men and muscle. There were Cipher and snagem goons all over that were just waiting to regroup but I'll need more than them, I knew of some other trainers who were desperate for a job-at Poketopia. The place been slowly losing business and so a lot of the poketopia masters had no money, but where still skilled enough to work for me.
"Joe, Sashay and Kruger, I see hard times have hit, you wanna work for me in trying to take over Orre? It'll be fun. Very Happy "
Sashay and Joe declined, but Kruger seemed interested.
"That's fine, but Kruger, let me be clear, I'm the one in charge of this operation! got it! I said.
Kruger tried a sassy remarked but I interrupted "You try anything funny you'll be deader than a shedinja."
And so my master plan was about to begin, but I won't enjoy anything until a hero opposes me Cool, it's no fun without a good guy to give you a run for your money. (End of part 1)
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Gir

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PostSubject: Re: Pialga's Fanfiction   Mon Jun 14, 2010 1:41 pm

Ok, first of all, making yourself the protagonist is usually a bad idea. It leads to making the character unrealistic with endless traits and little to no weaknesses.
Second, the story is poor, so, you just woke up one day and decided to be evil? Dont know if you have noticed, but ALL good villians are given a background explaining the source of that evil, you dont turn from Champio to Evil Mastermind just like that.
Third, you "dialogues" are mediocre, seriously "hey, wanna come conquer the world?" "Sure" "Ok, but Im in charge, and you´ll be nothing but expendables"....wtf?
Last, dont use smileys on fanfics, they scream "noob" everywhere

Also, work a bit on your grammar, there were mistake like writing "where" instead of "were" and "First Step" instead of "First step"
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Pialga93

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PostSubject: Re: Pialga's Fanfiction   Mon Jun 14, 2010 1:53 pm

Gir wrote:
Ok, first of all, making yourself the protagonist is usually a bad idea. It leads to making the character unrealistic with endless traits and little to no weaknesses.
Second, the story is poor, so, you just woke up one day and decided to be evil? Dont know if you have noticed, but ALL good villians are given a background explaining the source of that evil, you dont turn from Champio to Evil Mastermind just like that.
Third, you "dialogues" are mediocre, seriously "hey, wanna come conquer the world?" "Sure" "Ok, but Im in charge, and you´ll be nothing but expendables"....wtf?
Last, dont use smileys on fanfics, they scream "noob" everywhere

Also, work a bit on your grammar, there were mistake like writing "where" instead of "were" and "First Step" instead of "First step"
Actually I'm not the main character, its just first person, and that woke up decided to be evil that was to be more explained later., if you found it weird it was supposed to sound weird.I actually put a lot of thought into plot, trust me. But yeah I've always sucked *** at dialogue, sorry. But with that in mind any other advice for establishing that?
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Pialga93

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PostSubject: Re: Pialga's Fanfiction   Mon Jun 14, 2010 2:52 pm

I just wanna make this clear to all who read the story. the plot is not meant to be too serious for the most part. Granted it will have its good moments later. So some things are gonna be a little nonsensical.
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dragonmxz

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PostSubject: Re: Pialga's Fanfiction   Mon Jun 14, 2010 9:32 pm

hmm, maybe for the dialouge, more grammer and realistic things that people would say? who the hell would join you if you told them that your expendable. All evil leaders need to be charismatic. And if they aren't then thesy usually rule by indimidation, but that isn't nearly as intresting.
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